Wake and Funeral

So.... Cousin Jen, Brenda and I were talking last night and we decided that we could all write books about our families like David Sedaris and make a ton of money off of it because the stories are just too good. We were talking about the recent wakes and funerals that we had been to. Well let's break this down one day at a time...
The Wake...
So as usual we were given really bad directions and we had to call my dad at the funeral home god knows how many times. But about 10 phone calls and 2 stops for directions later we finally made it to the funeral home an hour late and in the middle of the mini mass that they were saying. So we wait for the end of the little mass and we walk in... sharon starts crying to dad and mom whisks me up to see grandma. The picture that they used in grandma's coffin was the last one that they took of grandma and grandpa on our porch the last time they came down to White Plains to visit... in one aspect it was nice to see cause it was a great picture... in another aspect it was rather depressing. So mom introduces me to my dad's cousin Pattie... who insists she doesn't know who I am and that we never met... apparently we had. I walk back to where my dad and everybody is and my cousin Jenny walks up to me and my dad. I haven't seen cousin Jenny since her sister Michelle's wedding. At that point I was so little that I wasn't allowed to go to the reception so me and the other kids were home at aunt linda's chilling when Jenny comes in puking and not being able to stand up straight... they told us she was "sick". So first thing Cousin Jenny says to me is... "Hey, I'm not your drunken cousin Jenny anymore" and I told her it was ok... I didn't think of her like that but if she was ready to let go of the title I had no problems picking it up as "Drunken Cousin Lori" lol She told me she knew where aunt linda hid the beer lol. So We're sitting around chatting and shooting the shit with a lot of people that i either don't know at all or barely remember and 5 of the great grandkids are running around the home playing. They bring my cousin Jenny a little cup of water and she starts to drink it... Tim makes her laugh and she spits out the whole cup of water onto the floor in the middle of the funeral home and runs out mortified. (I told you this would make a good story). So then I go outside to have a talk with my father and he says "I have something to tell you... (mind you this is the day before the funeral and I am sitting at a wake)... all the grandkids that are here were put down as Pall Bearers... are you ok with that?" SURE!!!! "But you know Sharon won't do it right?" So maybe a half an hour later... tops Aunt Pam comes over to tell me the same thing about the pall bearers but then she decides to add in that they also need readers.... ahhhhh. She said that grandma would love to have the grandkids as pall bearers because we would out-number the boys and she would just love that. So long story made short (well not really) I got out of the reading because I had a really bad cough but I said ok to the pall bearer position. Ok so... fastforward to the time to leave the wake... My family couldn't handle it... to be expected but damn I mean we were probably in there at least a good half hour longer than we were supposed to be because everytime we would make it to the door somebody would turn around and go back.
Fastforward... THE FUNERAL...
Ok so next day... My mom calls me in the morning after I have been up all night long throwing up to see how I was feeling... I told her that I was up all night sick and I wasnt' sure if I should be a pall bearer or not because I felt weak... she told me "Don't worry about it... it's not heavy" so being the grandchild that I am... I said "sure, I'll do it then." We make sure that we are going to get there ontime so we end up being at the church about an hour early... always fun... We waited in the car til mom and dad got there with aunt linda got out said hi to everyone and filed into the church. Everybody got there and the driver came to get the pall bearers... Ok if you are PAID to work with people who are OBVIOUSLY in mourning don't you think you would be nice about it... apparenly not. So we all walk to the back of the church... Uncle Jim took Sharon's place. He looks at all of us and goes... "You girls are Pall Bearers too..." there were three girls and three boys mind you. So the guy directs us to grab on and slide the coffin out.... so we do. we have it almost out of the Hearse and the guy looks at us and says " I want the girls in the middle" (because seeing that I am the youngest grandchild it is obviouse that we are just to small and week to carry anything lol) so the guy looks at Jenny cause she is in front of me and I am in the middle and he tells her "why don't you just trade places with your cousin... or whatever you are" (meaning me). Apparently he did not know that I was a girl.. nice. Ok moving along... people make that mistake all the time... I'm used to it. Apparently the man is sexist but still can not decipher who he should and shouldn't be discriminating against.... lol ironic isn't it. So we switch places and we do our thing... out of the car... into the church... up the stairs and place it on the wheels... we go to roll the coffin up the aisle but alas the church aisle is too small for the coffin and the pall bearers so our sexist leader decides that we should just forget it and just file up to our pew and he would take care of it... so instead of at least letting two of the pall bearers wheel the coffin up to the front of the church he does it with his buddy... interesting but whatever... ok so now all the pall bearers are sitting together on the left side of the church while both my family and my gf are sitting on the other side of the church... (sorry hunny). So grandpa was at the funeral... not at the wake so they decided to open up the coffin for my grandfather in the church and he decides that he is going to stand up out of his wheelchair (something he is not supposed to do) to give grandma a kiss... and there is my dad standing right behind him nervous as hell that grandpa is going to fall into the coffin.... thank god he didn't. So we do the whole catholic ceremony... stand, sit, stand, sit, communion, kneel, stand, sit yeah I think that's it... then we all file out do the pall bearer thing again and we head to the reception... talking to dad at the reception and he's like... well you know grandma wasn't catholic.... and I'm like "Why did we just have a catholic mass then" So as it turns out they gave grandma a full catholic burrial minus the catholic part... she was never baptized but as dad said... they didn't tell the priest that because "he never asked" So I knew grandma wasn't catholic and I was sitting through the whole mass dumbfounded as to why the priest would be saying things like "Our sister Pearl was baptized into christ and to christ she shall return"... I'm just sitting there going... no jackass SHE'S NOT CATHOLIC... but hey whatever floats the family boat I guess... Sin of ommision... lol. anyway so I guess that was my favorite part... My family somehow feels like they tricked god... well if the priest didn't know then god won't know right... I mean hell she had a catholic burrial ... he'll let her in.... :) doesn't put much confidence into that almighty catholic god of yours now does it... how many people do you know that are walking around going... haha I tricked god!! :) Ok well I guess that's all i have to say about this for now but ... if you see god tell him I'm sorry for the cruel joke my family played on him...lol :)